Diddlysquat

How to say, completely idiomatically ‘I can’t speak the language’ in the local tongue.

Collected by Henry Lawrence and to be posted on www.samizdat-recordings.com

Text is followed by a literal English translation. If your language is not here please email henry.lawrence@bristol.ac.uk with your suggestion.

English Sorry mate, I speak diddlysquat English

(or upper class English)

I’m most frightfully sorry, I speak diddlysquat English

French Je suis désolé [monsieur/madame/madamoiselle], mais je parle le Français comme une vache Espanol.

sorry [sir,mrs/miss], but I speak French like a Spanish cow.

German Es tut mir leid, mein Deutsch ist unter aller Sau.

Sorry, my German is beneath all swine.

or

Es tut mir leid, mein Deutsch ist grottenschlecht.

Sorry, my German is pants (as bad as a toad).

Danish Undskyld, men jeg snakker ikke engang cirkus-dansk.

sorry, I don’t even speak Circus Danish

Spanish Lo siento, no tengo ni puta idea de Español

Sorry, I don’t have any whore of an idea about Spanish.

or

No hablo un carajo de Español

I don't speak a prick of Spanish

Italian Non capisco un acca d’Italiano

I don’t even know an ‘H’ in Italian.

(Note, Italian does not use the letter ‘H’.)

Dutch Nederlandse is niet myn beste taal.

Dutch is not my best language (because Dutch people will never admit they don’t know something)

Greek Den xerw ton Cristo mou apo Ellhnika.

Den xero ton Christo mao apo Hellenika

I don’t know “my (Jesus) Christ” about Greek.

Romanian Nu pricep o boabă româneşte

I don’t have even a grain of corn of an understanding of Romanian language.

Albanian Nuc mbusch Shqip

My glass is empty of Albanian.

Russian Zub b nogoi Russkom yasike

my foot is in my mouth about the Russian language

Hebrew Ani mevin beivrit kemo hamor bemerak perot

I know as much Hebrew as a donkey knows about a fruit salad

Arabic af hamu al Arabiya kema yaf hamon al Israiliu karat al Umam Al mutaheda

I understand Arabic the way the Israelis understand United Nations resolutions